Guilty.. but even guilty gets a chance to plead...
Yes my honour, I have been guilty. Of destroying some hopes that once were mine. Of destroying some dreams that once were my creation. Of destroying some ambitions that would not have been there, if I had not kindled the flame.
And of many more things which cannot be turned with time or healed with hours, days or years. The scars would still remain, the wound healed but the scars so deep and prominent that they would leave a mark that is permanent and proof of moments that has been witness to the crime.
My lord! I know pleading guilty does not reduce the extent of criminal act. The effect still remains. But your honour, any offender gets a single chance to plead his case! And I think I am entitled to the same too...I will allow the jury to provide any verdict they deem to be fit, but before the same I will rest my case, not before the jury, lest they get influenced. I will rest my case in front of you my lord with these following emotions that has been running through my veins, blocking the flow of blood every moment of my life.
Yes I am guilty, guilty, guilty. No doubt about that. And I am still guilty for not being able to do justice to my priorities and my present status. But have anybody ever asked what I have gone through. What a tumultuos journey I had for those moments where I have lost my mind, become hasty, gone from being mad to insane, sometimes not even fit to be a part of this society. Have anyone ever asked about my compulsions, my moments, my loneliness, my hatred towards myself.
Yes your honour, I hate myself. Hate- an emotion I was never privy to has suddenly become so prominent for me. I cannot hate anyone but me. How it feels when every morning you look at yourself and want to kill that person in the mirror. How lost a person can be when his hatred for himself leads to self destruction.
A situation which you cannot help but be a silent spectator to. Mockery of emotions that has binded you to so many people in present and past and not a single instance you can point saying you have done your duty.
All said and done, I keep asking myself a single question. Haven't I done anything good ever. Have'nt there been a moment when I have brought laughter, peace, tranquility and confidence in my ecosystem. If yes, then I go to my grave in some peace. I am not saying that I should be forgiven for my present state and my past. I remain as guilty as ever. But what happened to those moments wherein I was the reason for existence, I fought for everything that was not mine and I need not have fought for, those times where I gave more than my life to see things around me fall in their places. I hope you do not misconstrue my explanations. I am not asking for any forgiveness. Like everyone, I am speaking my mind.
Your honour! I am not that bad a person. If I have been a perpatrator, I have been a victim too. A victim of myself who is cursed throughout his life to crawl on the bed of earth like a small little ant who cannot survive for a moment.
But maybe I am that bad a person, that is why I have lost everything! And keep losing everyday, every moment, losing my mind, my space, my existence... ending up just as a name in the records.
I ask this question to no one but myself... what about the biggest victim -me. Who does 'me' go for justice. Or he does not deserve any justice. If that be the case, I accept your decision my lord!
You have been more than gracious to listen to my parting words before the jury provides its verdict. I stay clear your honour from the starboard of this ship which once was built by me, every inch of it, captained by me...to chart territories that no one ever dared to... to sail for the unknown that no one ever though about...
Every captain is as good as yesterday. I was never good for even today!
The jury is out? And the verdict... I know... no need to mention the same my lord!
And of many more things which cannot be turned with time or healed with hours, days or years. The scars would still remain, the wound healed but the scars so deep and prominent that they would leave a mark that is permanent and proof of moments that has been witness to the crime.
My lord! I know pleading guilty does not reduce the extent of criminal act. The effect still remains. But your honour, any offender gets a single chance to plead his case! And I think I am entitled to the same too...I will allow the jury to provide any verdict they deem to be fit, but before the same I will rest my case, not before the jury, lest they get influenced. I will rest my case in front of you my lord with these following emotions that has been running through my veins, blocking the flow of blood every moment of my life.
Yes I am guilty, guilty, guilty. No doubt about that. And I am still guilty for not being able to do justice to my priorities and my present status. But have anybody ever asked what I have gone through. What a tumultuos journey I had for those moments where I have lost my mind, become hasty, gone from being mad to insane, sometimes not even fit to be a part of this society. Have anyone ever asked about my compulsions, my moments, my loneliness, my hatred towards myself.
Yes your honour, I hate myself. Hate- an emotion I was never privy to has suddenly become so prominent for me. I cannot hate anyone but me. How it feels when every morning you look at yourself and want to kill that person in the mirror. How lost a person can be when his hatred for himself leads to self destruction.
A situation which you cannot help but be a silent spectator to. Mockery of emotions that has binded you to so many people in present and past and not a single instance you can point saying you have done your duty.
All said and done, I keep asking myself a single question. Haven't I done anything good ever. Have'nt there been a moment when I have brought laughter, peace, tranquility and confidence in my ecosystem. If yes, then I go to my grave in some peace. I am not saying that I should be forgiven for my present state and my past. I remain as guilty as ever. But what happened to those moments wherein I was the reason for existence, I fought for everything that was not mine and I need not have fought for, those times where I gave more than my life to see things around me fall in their places. I hope you do not misconstrue my explanations. I am not asking for any forgiveness. Like everyone, I am speaking my mind.
Your honour! I am not that bad a person. If I have been a perpatrator, I have been a victim too. A victim of myself who is cursed throughout his life to crawl on the bed of earth like a small little ant who cannot survive for a moment.
But maybe I am that bad a person, that is why I have lost everything! And keep losing everyday, every moment, losing my mind, my space, my existence... ending up just as a name in the records.
I ask this question to no one but myself... what about the biggest victim -me. Who does 'me' go for justice. Or he does not deserve any justice. If that be the case, I accept your decision my lord!
You have been more than gracious to listen to my parting words before the jury provides its verdict. I stay clear your honour from the starboard of this ship which once was built by me, every inch of it, captained by me...to chart territories that no one ever dared to... to sail for the unknown that no one ever though about...
Every captain is as good as yesterday. I was never good for even today!
The jury is out? And the verdict... I know... no need to mention the same my lord!
posted by cyberoam at 9:52 PM
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