D rbeirht of a ‘SATR’

'Dreams are my teacher'

Prologue

A satr is a massive, luiminous ball of palsma. Stars sihne. Sun is our satr. Satrs die and become White Dwarfs. Sometimes they are reborn.
Before even I start this piece, let me accept, a star has taken a rebirth. Aamir Khan – the actor (star) can now move on and make place for the director Aamir Khan (The rebirth of the star). You are truly The STAR ‘Khan*’.We need the director now- maybe we would be hungry for more than one in a year

*None of the Khans in our industry have been able to touch our chords, all from A-G,minor,major movie after movie.

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I would have loved to create this document all of colors if it was not too much for the lazy bones of mine. So strong has been the impact of Dyslexia on me that I am tempted to become one next birth- just to be famous.

The list is endless – Agatha Christie, Leonardo Da Vinci, Albert Einstein, Edison, Walt Disney, Pablo Picasso - revolutionaries, minds those changed the way we live. No wonder then that a movie based on the similar theme becomes successful in changing the way we all think.

Let me clear one thing here, this movie is not about parents or differently enabled children. This is for anyone, about anyone from 5-95 who strives, struggles and wants to carve a design, a painting in the world’s canvass.
That is ‘Taare Zameen Par’ you.
It is a story of us, of you and me who at some point or other have been different, just that never had the courage to express the same, to follow the path our heart has always asked for. After all, you do not get thousands of Einsteins, Christies or Edisons. Oops I forgot – Aamir Khans too.

Being an ardent and religious student of motion pictures my reviews (I wonder how many care to read them) have floated on techniques, angles, tones, perspectives. This one would be different. It would be only the expressions of a person who now wish were a Dyslexic to unearth the beauties of life. I am not saying that only dyslexic can do that, as ‘normals’ we are entitled to dream, IAMGNIE, paint pictures that are bold, colorful, yet telling a story in its own.
This is also not for those who have not seen the movie. As I would not be narrating the same in details. But do come back after watching. I can vouch that this piece would support your thinking. For those who want a snapshot do visit - taarezameenpar.com.

But do come back after watching. I can vouch that this piece would support your thinking. For those who want a snapshot the images below(from TZP website) might help you.

Back to the world of paintings

Amole Gupte – did we ever hear his name? Or would even remember him now? Yes, he is the one who ‘penned’ this picture for us. A painting of words, characters in a large canvass that goes beyond simple storytelling. Thanks Mr. Gupte for showing us, reminding us that there is a someone special in all of us.

In the movie it is specified that “Every child is Special”...that doesn’t limit itself to children who may have some disabilities but children in general. I would say forget the word ‘child’- “ Every ONE is special”. We just need to realize and maybe need that one guiding STAR to make us realize. Did you think about this Mr. Khan when you made the movie? I am sure you did.
What/Who makes you realize that special in you? Education, society, good parentage, environment? Jee Ha all of these and something more.
When Ishaan’s father comes to meet Ram Shankar Nikhumb(AK) and tells him that they as parents too are worried for their child, Ram just puts a few simple questions to him that shake the entire foundation of concern for their little son!! He’s asked by Nikhumb sir, what is meant by being concerned for a child? It is a hug, a kiss, to say that “son I’m there for you”…..

For me the best part of the movie that hits straight at us for the insensitivity that we show towards our fellow beings (and not only children) when we use abusive language to drive home their inability is the one about “Solomon Islands”. Is it not the same thing that we do with each other? Kill dreams, hopes, sensitivity, inquisitive happy-go-lucky characteristics that are opened only to us because we feel we can be free in front of that person. Most of us leave a scar for a lifetime instead.

This is what the movie is all about. It is about caring, about making each other feel special when we need the most. End of the day we are all dyslexic some way or the other, mentally disabled in the races of rats. Mr. AK, knowlingly or unknowingly you have just created a different earth, it is upto us to get to the core of it. In a world that fears to dare, Taare Zameen Par is a portrayal of colorful sketches egging us to be US, to be ME. It also teaches us that confidence and being true to yourself would always allow your dreams to be your teacher.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Epilogue

I cant help but borrow from James Blunt and Gin Soaked Boy (Divine Comedy) to summarize the narrations between Ram Shankar Nikumbh +Ishaan Awasthy and Ishaan Awasthy with himself respectively. My perspective completely….

This is Ishaan Awasthy as I See - The Gin Soaked Boy
Im the darkness in the light

Im the leftness in the right/ Im the rightness in the wrong/ Im the saneness in the mad/ Im the gin in the gin-soaked boy

Im the ruby in the dust/ Im the tigers empty cage/ Im the mysterys final page/ Im the strangers lonely glance/Im the undiscovered land

This is what summarizes Ram Nikumbh’s relation with Ishaan - (James Blunt)

Beautiful dawn - lights up the shore for me. There is nothing else in the world/ I'd rather wake up and see (with you).

Beautiful dawn - I'm just chasing time again.Thought I would die a lonely man, in endless night.But now I'm high; running wild among all the stars above.Sometimes it's hard to believe you remember me.Beautiful dawn - melt with the stars again.Do you remember the day when my journey began?Will you remember the end (of time)?Beautiful dawn - You're just blowing my mind again.Thought I was born to endless night, until you shine.

Emotions - Expressions needed?

I am not an emotional person! Whoever says this, I think it is stupid. That one is the most emotionsl inside. After all that is what makes us humane. Differentiates us from animals. Otherwise, we as well call ourselves animals and not homo sapien sapiens. However, the majority of this species would vouch that you need to show your emotions. Otherwise you are not a part of the ecosystem.

I for a change beg to differ. One,who has given the right to dictate my feelings and the way I express them. I can be as emotional as anyone, yet due to the inability to express, I might not be seen as one. The truth is those who cannot express are more submissive, more prone to emotional effects. Just because they dont express or show does not mean they are hard, cast in stone. We are different, and that's what makes us unique. We might not be able to express ourselves, but we bleed as much as you do, we feel hurt as much as you do, we feel happy as much as anyone does.

Maybe we lack in expressing the same. Maybe we do that because we do not want to be seen ourselves as vulnerable. Not that showing emotions help. People who are really close to you should and would understand you. Those are the ones you really bank on. Who do not judge you, but accept you as you are. Support your goodies, and hold your hand to show how you can overcome your lackings.

These kind of people do not give advice,they just stay beside you throughout. These kind of homo sapien sapiens are a rare breed in themselves. Normally, judgement is the second nature for us. Totally acceptable when it comes to sya that, this is absolutely normal. But what happens when that normalcy is not true for everyone. Actually, most of us do not know the right way to express ourselves. And, there lies the problem as we keep expecting things from others where we lack. I cannot express, so I expect you to express more. You cannot talk your feelings, but you are supposed to as I cannot as well. Expectations!!! The death word that kills any relation.
In an ideal world, an ideal person is one who does not judge you, does not relate to you for what you should be, rather what you are. The moment you have got one like that who has stood beside you no matter what, is precious at any level. Because that person, trust in me, would stay woth you foreever. Would suggest ways that maybe right, but never judge you, accept you happily as you are and most importantly, allow you to be yourself.

When do we know we are comfortable with a person and can rely on the one who would stand for me as I am? According to me, it should be that one with whom you can go for a drive without the need to speak any word at all. Not come any physical contact, but yet feel that strong presence of being there for each other. And surprisingly, in most cases that person you would never find physically with you, but whenever you need, he/she would be there providing you mental support and allowing you to be what you want to be, not what the world wants you to be.
And that person, who can be most hated for you, is your best pal...trust me my friend, preserve that one relation... because it is devoid of expectations, definitions yet so strong that when you close your eyes you can see not the person, but the relation...do not ever put a name to it, just remind yourself how many times that person has stood beside you never asking questions to your actions, but backing you throughout...and for that particular relation, which is most important and surviving....
You do not need to express emotions... that person would know in a snap...Emotional expressions?? Not needed...

Some musings

It has been a while that I have written things that are nice, funny and humorous. I chanced through going to all the posts and realised what an ass I was to write such stuff all the time which never were positive but filled with negativity. So I have decided to make this atleast positive in certain respects.

The reason is not so sudden, has its own reasons though. The reasons have disturbed me, made me saddened to know that somewhere things are not right as they are supposed to be. I have always looked forward, rather upto someone during times when i had been down and out. To see that someone out and out terribly has been a feeling that kills me inside. Whenever I had been down, I had a support to get myself up and moving. She has been tremendous, pillar of strength, finding solutions to my problems, cheering me up. She has this uncanny ability to get me up from slumber always.

Now when I see her down, I feel helpless. To the situation that it's not in my control to get her out of it. Did i help her ever? Ya a lots of times... there was a time when i had taught her the meaning of life, the meaning of pride and how to forget past and move on.. how to take pride in oneself...

I want her to be back again in the same way... finding purpose to work... to live... to laugh... to enjoy... coz her smile means a lot to me... her smile gives me life... her positivity is the reason i am here today, capable of writing anything... i want her to be positive, i want me to help her to regain that... i desperately want her to be back to her own as she was earlier... i want her to be HER...becoz not only i am lonely without her presence, but also lonely that one who taught me to live life has forgot to live a life of her own...i want her to do what she wants, what she loves... i wish all my wants out here got a positive result :)

Chhod Aye Hum Woh Galiyan...

I managed it! At last I managed to severe ties that once was a part of me. Those bondings that once I thought would be with me like an umbilical chord. And how long did it take to finish everything? Just a day. A day to snap off all those immumerable unexplainable moments that we arrange one by one to build a monument called Life. I took the shovel and destroyed all the bricks, the walls that uses to cry, laugh, enjoy, fight, crib and and and...

But deep down, i did not leave anything, I just just dont know how to say, just... forgive me my friend, bcoz I am speechless, muted, tired of bleeding, crying at a stage where I do not have any words. Or maybe I have a lots of them. Just unable to find them...

I have left those lanes and bylanes and roads that made me what I am today... and I am walking the path which would never end, lonely, with not even a tree for shade, a well for water... just walk in a straight line...I have suddenly become Johnny Walker mascot- Keep Walking!!! To a place which would end with my breathe would stop with questions still not answered.

But, THE ANSWER IS BLOWING IN THE WIND MY FRIEND, THE ANSWER IS BLOWING IN THE WIND...

Day dreaming..

Occurs mostly on weekends as you have nothing else to do. Particularly when you are alone, not only physically but more mentally so. When your body lies down on the bed and your mind wanders away to those moments which otherwise insignificant yet somehow leaves a mark. I am not a literatti or an author, I do not command a good grasp over this language either. But I can keep it simple and while just a few moments back I was lying down, looking at the ceiling I remembered few of those moments that I can see clearly, can feel them , as if they are happening, still happening in front of me, and as I write would become permanent in every sense.

Moment 1. Getting from a vehicle, look up and see a smile for the first time... a smile that was so pure and genuine that no smiles can never match. On the surface it is just a smile, you dig deep and you know what it means...

Moment 2. The entry - which you would wait for every morning. That gush of air once the door is opened, that feeling which you think about on your way... that gush of air which would mark the start of a day

Moment 3. The absence - which also somehow you like. Not the absence of someone, but the absence of the whole situation taht arises out of something. The chair, the switched off computer, the voice and many more... absence sometimes makes up for a thousand presence

Moment 4. The irritation that arises from continuous nagging. You somehow hate it at that moment, but now you wish it was still a part of your life as it was then. Now you realise, how much that irritation was imp to you. Now that the cause is not there, you miss it that much

Moment 5. The call. A wake up call, an alarm that would start your day. I do not start my day anymore. It starts with a full stop, not even a comma or a semicolon

Moment 6. Maggi... I do not need to explain.

Moment 7. Pizza... again no explanation required

Moment 8. Bacardi White Rum with Limca... add to it, crispy chilly honey potatoes

Moment 9. The wait on the road with a bag... a small red and blue colored one. The irritation on the face for being late, taking an u turn and yet not finding the actual place

Moment 10. A white Maruti 800... which in itself has so many moments

Moment 11. Hitting a ford with that 800 and laughing on it

Moment 12. The 800 refuses to move, most of the times

Moment 13. Trying to park the 800 everytime

Moment 14. And trying to get it out from the parking area

Moment 15. Locking the car with the keys inside

Moment 16. Calling the helpline and again calling to cancel it... coz someone else has been able to get the keys out for you

Moment 17. Lunch and non veg

Moment 18. Coffee, coffee and coffee everyday...

Moments.... so many of them that you can just fill them up... and this moment which reminds me of all those moments that made me a human full of life and confidence and hope. Those moments might never come back, or if destined would... but at this moment, I am looking at the sky full of white clouds smiling at me at peace and reminding me of a time that has given me life at every moment... a reason to be what I want to... I would live with these moments forever and try to make the best of them...

This moment I start afresh... to provide justice to those moments... through my heart and mind.

Please do not disturb...

In an age where privacy is found at premium and you are watched everytime, you are nothing but a number in various database, some companies have borrowed from the west and introduced the concept of 'do not disturb' list.

This is a stale statement and nothing new in it and it is also not what I want to write about. Taking from my last but one post, I just have one request. Like hotel rooms provide you with tags as mentioned in the subject line, I guess mobile phones also should have an automated voice response to send the signal nice and clear for those who keep on trying thinking there is hope at the other end of the line. A hope to get a response that means so muchhhhh sometimes....

How would you know the value of such responses. You have not been searching desperately for that as a lifeline to your existence :). funny isnt it, when voices become a reason to exist. Sorry...have completely lost it... ha ha ha ha haaaaa....

ME(jaded)

Jaded. verb. means tired, worn-out, exhausted.

A state of mind more than physical that encompasses a situation where all your efforts seem to vanish into thin air. You put your best foot forward yet fail. You stand up, yet you fail. You fight not to win, but for the glory.

When does someone get jaded. Fancy isn't that word? If you hear it for the first time, you would get a positive vibe, so strange considering its just the opposite. But since most of it is in the mind, it really is not that difficult to fathom the reason behind the same.

According to me, we use this word when we do not see any hope anymore. We know we could have done this much, pushed ourselves to that extreme and then fall down in a heap. Results do not matter now, outcomes hardly effect. What effects is the destruction of self belief.

But few people have the courage to get back and try one last time. I have seen those people succeed. Right now no one can be more jaded than me... down and out after fighting a lonely battle with the world for 16 hours, I am nothing but a mass of meat. My mind is numb, my heart just beats mechanically. But I somehow see a flicker. A flicker which helps me write now. A flicker which results from someone who has come up truimph every time. Someone who has made comebacks a habit, and sometimes from places you shiver to get down to. Someone who has been an inspiration to me all the while... showing the best when the odds are high, when the cast is laid and when the society has written it off...

Yes, I am tired today... I cant fight anymore, but I hope that my inspiration stays beside me to fight it out once more... one last time, before the state of being Jaded is final.

Today, I accept how helpless I am sitting here all alone, fighting to regain myself, my worth, my confidence, ME(JADED)...

Guilty.. but even guilty gets a chance to plead...

Yes my honour, I have been guilty. Of destroying some hopes that once were mine. Of destroying some dreams that once were my creation. Of destroying some ambitions that would not have been there, if I had not kindled the flame.

And of many more things which cannot be turned with time or healed with hours, days or years. The scars would still remain, the wound healed but the scars so deep and prominent that they would leave a mark that is permanent and proof of moments that has been witness to the crime.

My lord! I know pleading guilty does not reduce the extent of criminal act. The effect still remains. But your honour, any offender gets a single chance to plead his case! And I think I am entitled to the same too...I will allow the jury to provide any verdict they deem to be fit, but before the same I will rest my case, not before the jury, lest they get influenced. I will rest my case in front of you my lord with these following emotions that has been running through my veins, blocking the flow of blood every moment of my life.

Yes I am guilty, guilty, guilty. No doubt about that. And I am still guilty for not being able to do justice to my priorities and my present status. But have anybody ever asked what I have gone through. What a tumultuos journey I had for those moments where I have lost my mind, become hasty, gone from being mad to insane, sometimes not even fit to be a part of this society. Have anyone ever asked about my compulsions, my moments, my loneliness, my hatred towards myself.

Yes your honour, I hate myself. Hate- an emotion I was never privy to has suddenly become so prominent for me. I cannot hate anyone but me. How it feels when every morning you look at yourself and want to kill that person in the mirror. How lost a person can be when his hatred for himself leads to self destruction.

A situation which you cannot help but be a silent spectator to. Mockery of emotions that has binded you to so many people in present and past and not a single instance you can point saying you have done your duty.

All said and done, I keep asking myself a single question. Haven't I done anything good ever. Have'nt there been a moment when I have brought laughter, peace, tranquility and confidence in my ecosystem. If yes, then I go to my grave in some peace. I am not saying that I should be forgiven for my present state and my past. I remain as guilty as ever. But what happened to those moments wherein I was the reason for existence, I fought for everything that was not mine and I need not have fought for, those times where I gave more than my life to see things around me fall in their places. I hope you do not misconstrue my explanations. I am not asking for any forgiveness. Like everyone, I am speaking my mind.

Your honour! I am not that bad a person. If I have been a perpatrator, I have been a victim too. A victim of myself who is cursed throughout his life to crawl on the bed of earth like a small little ant who cannot survive for a moment.

But maybe I am that bad a person, that is why I have lost everything! And keep losing everyday, every moment, losing my mind, my space, my existence... ending up just as a name in the records.

I ask this question to no one but myself... what about the biggest victim -me. Who does 'me' go for justice. Or he does not deserve any justice. If that be the case, I accept your decision my lord!

You have been more than gracious to listen to my parting words before the jury provides its verdict. I stay clear your honour from the starboard of this ship which once was built by me, every inch of it, captained by me...to chart territories that no one ever dared to... to sail for the unknown that no one ever though about...

Every captain is as good as yesterday. I was never good for even today!

The jury is out? And the verdict... I know... no need to mention the same my lord!

Tagged...

You can call me sociable, to the extent one needs to be termed as a social animal. I am an introvert by nature when it comes to personal life. My professional life is far from it, an introvert cannot survive in my area of interest.

Though I enjoy my solitude, of late I have started hating people more than Jonathon Swift who once wrote, "the most pernicious race of little odious vermin that nature ever suffered to crawl on the face of earth". He was referring to Mankind.

This recent bout of hatredness is a phenomenon called "Tagged" on the net. Some obscure human being whose name can range anything from Ram to Rodrigues has been tagging me regularly. I get atleast 10 'Tagged'mails everyday.

While I am quite active in Orkut and appreciate the great service it has rendered for all t hose who wanted to wish Minal Panchal of now infamous Virginia Tech shootout, but that's just one out of the million cases.

'Tagged' is the latest of irritating unstoppable net invasion. My cyber identity like any netizen of this world is extremely precious. I do not like anyone invading my virtual space. Be it Myspace or Ryze. I didn't raise to Ryze and even refused to 'LinkedIn'.

The point is I do not want to be tagged(it sounds to me more like a dog's tail) by someone I am not interested in or do not know. And those auto responses that say how much Mr. X would be feeling bad if I did not answer in affirmative, gives no joy to my funny bone.

And why the hell should I provide my cell number, landline number and birthday. Are you going to get me the gift which I want or going to pay my phone bills? Anyways I cannot do anything about my mails, they have been bugged already.

Dear Ram-Rodrigues, please do not add me in your list. I am no important to be the part of your illustruos friends list. Presently, majority of us lock ourselves away from real friends and then desperately seek out company in the virtual arena which for me after a time is not only scary but a step towards creating an ecosystem where symbiosis is just another word.

India, as one of the greatest civilization of the world once boasted of human bonding that was a part of joint families connected to each other.

Alas! Virtual Connectivity has put end to this reality of human connection.

Chicken Feed

I was on my way to a meeting today and stuck up in a jam. In a car which shielded me by black windows I could see through it what is happening beside me in the street. I came across a mini truck carrying chickens and roosters of all sizes. Now I have been a carnivorus, a meat eater to the core(which has somehow reduced and stopped if not permanently, temporarily for sure). Diversions noty withstanding, this truck was carrying a whole bunch of chickens all actively participating in mutual conversations while toying away with grains which we say chicken feed. At the middle of a busy day where I was collating thoughts to present a case for my client, suddenly my mind wandered to those chickens.

I have always believed and pretty strongly that hens always are aware of the fact that they are born to become meat for humans. Somehow it does not bother them. They also realise that the more they feed themselves, the greater the chance to become healthier and hence preferred targets. But this do not deter them from keep feeding themselves and mind you they feel contemplated.

It brings to a point where I realised today that how much I learnt from this one single seeemingly innocuos fact. Like hens, we human beings also delve upon gaining skill sets over the years to arm ourselves be successful. Not realising, the better we are armed, the more the chance we are taken advantage of. Now purists would argue saying, your skills get paid for. You earn money, respect and means to fulfill your dreams and wishes. But my little experience proves otherwise. We hardly get what we wish. Ask me, i wish to become a free man, not dependent upon working even when my heart does not allow. We just surrender to the reality and make ousrselves happy to suit the situation, not what suits us.

Just like those hens who have surrendered to having delicious meals in form of chicken feeds before they become the tasty meat for some homo sapien somewhere.

For me suddenly money becomes that chicken feed, i need it to survive to be happy fully realising that it is a way to end the life in me... And mind you I love money, never complaining that I am earning them... do hens complain about chicken feed??? I doubt they have the time also... :)

ps. "Lost... like sands in the desert" not mine but borrowed. I believe grains of sands could never get lost in the desert. Its those grains that make the desert. Its those small moments, memories that make life so worth living. Some one close did make me realise the worth of smaller things in life. I wish I realise the same...

Jeena Isika Naam hain...

This has always been my fav song... it really has been. Maybe for one, that I believe in every word of its and second that I really can sing the song well.

But suddenly kyon jeena isika naam hain... coz someone reminded me about this song. After long time....

I have forgot so many thinigs, forgot to sing, forgot to mix with the civilization, forgot to be a sapien...

But this blog is tribute to that person who reminded me my fav song. That person still reminds me one of the best moments in life I had... things which i still search for....I long for... I feel incomplete without...

Yeah.. with that person not in my life, I do feel incomplete, incoherent, aimless... coz any matter of success in life is incomplete without that entity being a part of it....


I wish I could follow the lines of the song in life... and be worthy of making people smile....


Kisika dard mile sake to le udhaar
Jeena isika naam hain...

And my fav lines go as this... a tribute to that entity....

Ki Marke bhi kisiko yaaad aenge
Kisiko aasuo mein muskurayenge
Kahega phool har kali se baar baaar


JEENA ISIKA NAAM HAIN....